ACT  SCENE 
Our heroine Nancy Kipper has convinced the Scottish Knobbly Knee party to back her leadership after ousting Alan Haddock. But now the media wants answers…
NANCY STANDS IN A CORRIDOR, WAITING. SHE IS OUTWARDLY CALM, BUT HER JIGGLING RIGHT LEG BETRAYS HER NERVES. BESIDE HER, HUSBAND AND SCOTTISH KNOBBLY KNEE PARTY BUSINESS MANAGER PHILIP MODEL IS CHECKING HIS PHONE.
“OK” he says. “The press have all arrived. It’s time to go”.
NANCY CHEWS HER LIP.
“What if I can’t do it, Philip? What if I make a mess of this?”
PHILIP PATS HER SHOULDER REASSURINGLY.
“Then I’ll have to orchestrate a coup to overthrow you”.
“But you’ll be fine. Remember, you’re doing it for the right reasons. There was no way you could allow Alan to continue, given what you knew about him”.
NANCY NODS. SHE STEPS FORWARD AND OPENS A DOOR. BEFORE HER IS THE SCOTTISH MEDIA, ARRANGED IN ROWS LIKE AN UNRULY CLASS OF SCHOOL PUPILS. AS SHE ENTERS, THEIR FLASHBULBS POP AND THEIR VOICES CLAMOUR FOR HER ATTENTION.
SHE WALKS QUIETLY TO THE PODIUM AND POINTS AT A JOURNALIST FROM THE HAROLD. HE STANDS UP.
“Nancy, this is the biggest political drama we’ve seen in Scotland since Derek McCludgie accidentally drove a taxi the wrong way down Princes Street. What’s behind Alan Haddock’s sudden resignation?”
NANCY GAZES DIRECTLY AT HIM.
“We all have to move on at some point, and what better time than now? Alan’s delivered a Yes vote for Scotland. He’s achieved his life’s goal, we all owe him an enormous debt, and he’s earned a quiet retirement. Next!”
THE SCOTTISH CORRESPONDENT OF THE DAILY QUAIL GETS TO HIS FEET.
“Nancy, there are rumours. Scurrilous rumours suggesting that scullduggery and intrigue lie behind your ousting of Alan Haddock. Would you care to comment on the most recent story, suggesting that this conspiracy was masterminded by the same villains who murdered Princess Diana?”
“I’ve got a country to run, folks, so if that’s the best you can do…”
SHE BEGINS TO TURN AWAY, BUT A WEAK VOICE STOPS HER.
“I have a question, Ms Kipper!”
THERE IS A RIPPLE OF DISBELIEF. THE SUNDAY TOAST’S POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT, JEEMY BOAB SOUTER, WHO HAS NOT ASKED A QUESTION SINCE 1973, IS STIRRING. DUST CASCADES FROM HIS HAT AS HE ROUSES HIMSELF.
“Ms Kipper, I have come into possession of some photographs”. HIS VOICE CREAKS BUT DOES NOT BREAK.
“Photographs which, I believe, reveal the truth behind Alan Haddock’s resignation. Photographs which, if verified, would mean Mr Haddock’s credibility would suffer an irreparable blow”.
NANCY IS WHITE. SHE TRIES TO REGAIN CONTROL.
“Well, I’ll be happy to meet you later and discuss anything you’d like to disclose…”
BUT IT IS TOO LATE. SOUTER IS MAKING HIS WAY PAINFULLY TOWARDS HER. THE BROWN ENVELOPE IN HIS HANDS IS HORRIBLY FAMILIAR. HIS PEERS PART TO LET HIM THROUGH.
HE ARRIVES AT THE PODIUM, AND SPREADS THE PHOTOS BEFORE NANCY AND THE ASSEMBLED JOURNALISTS.
“The reason Alan Haddock stood down, ladies and gentlemen, was these photographs, which show the leader of the Scottish Knobbly Knee Party, Scottish patriot extraordinaire, caught in the act of – Morris dancing!”
NANCY COVERS HER EYES. THE FLASHBULBS EXPLODE. IN THE PICTURE IN FRONT OF HER, ALAN HADDOCK GRINS AND WAVES A SPOTTED HANDKERCHIEF.
IS THIS THE END FOR THE SCOTTISH KNOBBLY KNEE PARTY? YOU MIGHT FIND OUT, IF BOGGIN’ GETS COMMISSIONED FOR A SECOND SERIES!
If that made no sense whatsoever, you probably haven’t watched this.